Every Mom Needs a Little Al Green

3 Dec
Al Green is an effective parenting tool.

Al Green is an effective parenting tool.

One Saturday morning not too long ago, a devoted mother awoke in the wee hours of the morning to prepare a breakfast feast for her four darling children. The mother would cook each child’s favorite as a special treat to begin a fun and special Saturday.

Sausage and eggs for her 8-year-old girl. The 5-year-old daughter prefers pancakes. Bacon and grits for the 3-year-old boy and biscuits for the 2-year-old girl.

There was not a fruit or vegetable in sight! The children would be thrilled. The mother only hoped that the children could contain their gratitude long enough to consume this breakfast feast of all feasts.

Devoted Mother: Oh, beautiful children! Come! Come quickly and partake of the bountiful banquet I have prepared for you!

5YO:    (while rubbing her eyes) Huh?

Devoted Mother:  There you are, my sweet Melissa.  Always the first to come and greet your mother in the morning.

5YO:    Huh?

3YO:    Mommeeeeeeee!

Devoted Mother:  Samuel, my fine boy! Come! I have a chilled cup of chocolate milk for you.

3YO:  Mommy! I pee-pee my pants.

Devoted Mother:  Err, what? I mean, fear not dear son. I can remedy that. But wait! I hear your sister! Come beloved Madeline and hug your mother!

2YO:    Eat-eat! Eeeaaattttt!!! (She runs past her mother and seats herself)

Devoted Mother: Do not worry child. There will be time for hugs later. Yes, go and partake of this divine breakfast spread.

8YO:  Is there school today?

Devoted Mother:  Lauren! Fear not! There is no school today!!!!

8YO:  What?

Devoted Mother:  Rejoice child! For there is no school today!

8YO:    It’s 7:00 in the morning. Why did you wake us? And why are you talking weird?

3YO:    Mommy! I pee-pee my pants!

5YO:    Huh?


8YO:    I mean, after we eat what are we supposed to do all day?  You should have just let us sleep.

5YO:    I don’t like pancakes today. I want Froot Froots.


3YO:    Pee-pee!

The devoted mother, sensing that her normally congenial children must not have slept well the night before, flew into action. The Boy was outfitted in fresh clothing and the children were seated at the table, their plates laden with all of their breakfast favorites.

Devoted Mother:  Now, my darlings, gorge yourselves on this fine breakfast!

Surly 8YO:  This is the wrong kind of sausage. I like the kind that is in patties.

Ungrateful 5YO: I said I wanted FROOOOT FROOOOOTS.

Piglet 2YO: (Her face covered in syrup and grits) More eat! More, more, more!!

PeePotBoy: I no like chocolate milk today. Fix it Mommy, FIX IT!

Surly 8YO: Ow! She touched me!

Ungrateful 5YO:  Did not!

Surley 8YO:  Did too!

Ungrateful 5YO: Did not! You’re stoo-pid!

PeePotBoy: Fix my milk, Mommy!

Piglet 2YO: Me want cay-cakes wid stirrups on dem.

As the devoted mother watched the scene unfold, she realized her beloved children were idiots. Did her offspring respond positively to the nurturing and caring of their devoted mother? No. They acted like the buffoons that they are. The mother resorted to the one tactic she knew would work: torture.

The mother cranked up her music. She saw the fear and realization wash over the face of her children when they heard the opening blasts of the horns.

The devoted mother sang along loudly . . . . and badly.


I’m so in love with you

Surly 8YO:  Mama, please! No!

Whatever you want to do

PeePotBoy: Why you making dat noise, Mama?

Is alright with meeeee

The two-year-old begins dancing while cramming food in her mouth.

Surly 8YO: Mama! Stop it! Your singing is horrible!

Cause you make me feel so brand neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww

Ungrateful 5YO: What do we do, Lauren? How do me make her stop?

And I want to spend my life with yoooooooooooouuuu

The devoted mother is really getting into it now. She’s singing and dancing and oblivious to her dumb-ass children.

Let me say that since — oh yeah — since we’ve been together

Surly 8YO: Maybe she wants a hug or something.

Could they really be that stupid?

The devoted mother continues to sing and dance as she pries the sticky hugs off of her.

Loving you forever is what I need-eee-eee-eee-eee-ed.

Ungrateful 5YO: That just made it worse! She’s singing louder.

Oh let me be the one  you come running toooo-ooo-ooo-oooo

I’ll never be untruuuuuuuuuuue.

Surly 8YO: Just tell us what you want and stop torturing us!!!

Still singing . . . .

Eeeeeaaatttt!  Eat your damn breakfast

Eat it whether you like it or not

You un-grate-ful snots!

Surly 8YO: I’m pretty sure your horrible songs doesn’t go that way.

Oh tell me why, why, why, why, why, why

You children are so stupid

And do not even realize

I can sing this stuff all day-a-a-a-ay.

Ungrateful5YO: That doesn’t even rhyme, Mama.

Surley8YO: No, Melissa.  She’s trying to tell us that she’ll keep doing this until we give her what she wants. Everybody, just eat and maybe she’ll stop torturing us.

To my fellow mothers: Never underestimate the power of Al Green.


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