Real Men Don’t Need Exterminators

5 Dec
This is EXACTLY how our mouse looked.

This is EXACTLY how our mouse looked.

My yard  is lined with ten pecan trees. Apparently, mice love pecans. My home is also surrounded on three sides by soybean fields, which mice also love.

What happened to mice eating cheese? Were all those episodes of Tom and Jerry based on LIES? What else were you lying about, Jerry????

As I stood on my deck admiring a herd of mice galloping through the soybean field, I noticed one of the mice pointing at me like he was calling me out. I knew it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. Hell, my kids leave mouse-appropriate snacks everywhere . . . word was bound to get out.

That night I informed The Dad that the angry mob of mice outside had been heckling me. Since it was obviously only a matter of time before we were overrun by an irate horde of rodents, I did the only sensible thing . . . . I called the exterminator and notified the authorities.

The Dad grunted at me while simultaneously rolling his eyes.

The Dad grunts at me constantly and not in a come-hither way. Grunts are just his natural mode of communication. But the grunt-eye-roll combo translates into, “Real men don’t need exterminators.”

His solution? Glue traps. I detest glue traps. IF, I say IF you actually catch a mouse in one of these contraptions . . . . what the hell are you going to do with a LIVE mouse that is GLUED to a PIECE OF PLASTIC?

The Dad ignored my perfectly logical reasoning and strategically placed glue traps throughout our home.

The next morning as I’m slaving away to cook a breakfast that my children totally take for granted, I hear my two youngest calling for their mother. I rush towards their room only to see my three-year-old son with both feet and one hand stuck to a glue trap. His two-year-old sister, Madeline, also has one hand stuck in the trap and is trying to drag her brother towards me.

Me: Samuel? What are you doing?

Samuel: I stuck.

Madeline: And I save him, Mama.

About that time, a mouse ran by, shot me the bird and told me this was his turf now. That may not have been his exact words but you get the picture.

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9 Responses to “Real Men Don’t Need Exterminators”

  1. charlottecarrendar December 5, 2012 at 6:00 am #

    Mouse 1, Momma 0.

    • Kelly December 5, 2012 at 8:05 am #

      I know. He’s probably at my house as speak, having a party with all his disease-carrying little friends.

  2. memyselfandkids December 5, 2012 at 8:23 am #

    I am not especially handy. However, those things that I can do around the house I like to do. Part of it is $, part of it is that I want my boys to see that not everything, and a big part of it is a pride thing.

    • Kelly December 5, 2012 at 8:40 am #

      We’ll have to start a club because I’m not handy either!

      • memyselfandkids December 5, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

        We’ll have to rent the club – not like we can build it.

      • Kelly December 5, 2012 at 12:08 pm #

        I’m now wiping off my screen. Read your comment and coffee shot out of my nose. Try not to be so funny the next time I’m drinking coffee and reading.

      • memyselfandkids December 5, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

        Cool – I love to make people laugh.

  3. motherhoodisanart December 5, 2012 at 7:39 pm #

    Absolutely hilarious! And let me tell you, I’m very jealous that you have 6 pecan trees! Do you know how much a bag of pecans costs in the store?!! Are you able to salvage any or do the mice get them all?!

    • Kelly December 5, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

      Some years we sell our pecans for a little extra Christmas cashola. This year we are fighting the mice, squirrels and a raccoon family for the pecans. But there is plenty for all!

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