Open Letter to the Jerkward Who Broke Into My Home

10 Dec

This summer, my home was broken into and we were robbed. I still have a few unresolved issues about it.

Dear Jerkwad,

Thank you for breaking into my home on a Monday. I had spent all weekend cleaning the house and doing laundry. You managed to undo all of my hard work by dumping every drawer, tossing every cabinet and destroying each closet. Oh, and the broken glass throughout the house was a nice touch.

Don’t worry about the money you stole from my daughter. It probably wasn’t obvious to you that it belonged to an 8-year-old girl. I mean, you only found it in a pink wallet . . . . in a gir’ls bedroom. . . in a home that wasn’t yours. I explained to her that it was more important for you to get your crack fix than for her to get the American Girl doll she had hoped to buy. She’s all good now.

Thank you for not trashing the bedroom that my two toddlers share. They had already trashed it that same morning. By the way, I told the cops that you TOTALLY did that. It’ll probably add another 10 to 15 years onto your sentence when they catch  your sorry ass.

The thing that I hated the most about all of this was not the things that you took, but that you frightened my children. Something that you may not understand is that scaring the hell out of my children is MY JOB AND NOT YOURS!

But the thing that I really want to tell you is this: the day that you broke into our home . . . the same day you were tossing our mattresses and slinging Pillow Pets everywhere . . . . my five-year-old was EAT UP with HEAD LICE.

HA!

That’s the way we roll up in here, JERKWAD.

This home is protected by PEDICULUS CAPITAS.

This home is protected by
PEDICULUS CAPITAS.

Here’s hoping that when they catch you that you have a very sweet cell mate who will pick the nits out of your hair. Speaking of being someone’s bitch, ain’t karma a bitch?

With Warmest Regards,

The Great Mama Experiment

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3 Responses to “Open Letter to the Jerkward Who Broke Into My Home”

  1. motherhoodisanart December 11, 2012 at 6:30 am #

    Oh wow! I can’t imagine…I’m hoping karma does come back to get him! Fine, take a tv or stereo or whatever…but seriously…money out of pink wallet in a little girl’s bedroom…that’s low…even for a criminal. Sorry this happened to you! Go head lice…do your thing!!

    • Kelly December 11, 2012 at 8:16 am #

      We had never had to deal with head lice before. After what happened, I’m probably the only person in the world who was happy to have head lice!

      • motherhoodisanart December 11, 2012 at 8:43 am #

        I’m happy you found your silver lining in all of this! It’s hard to do, especially in situations like this, I’m sure…but there’s always something to be thankful for…even if it’s just head lice!! LOL! It would make a nice addition to the Thanksgiving prayer!

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