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All I Want is an 8-piece Fried Chicken

12 Dec

Yes, I’m venting. Yes, this is imaginary . . . well the phone-call part is anyway.

Damn you, Walmart!

Damn you, Walmart!

Walmart: Thank you for calling Walmart. May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need to speak to the manager please.

W: This is the manager. May I help you?

Me.: Yes, I have an issue with your deli department.

W: Ok, what seems to be the problem.

Me: Yes, I had spoken with your deli manager and placed an order for an 8-piece fried chicken. I stopped by to pick it up today and it wasn’t ready. I was told I’d have to wait 20 minutes.

W: I’m sorry that this happened ma’am. Is there something that we could do to improve your experience here at Walmart?

Me: I’m not sure because this isn’t the first time this has happened.

W: It isn’t?

Me: No. The last four times I’ve stopped to pick up fried chicken it wasn’t ready.

W: And you had called in an order?

Me: I placed my order in person! I remember it specifically because I was ordering a cake for my kid’s birthday . . .

W: Uh-huh.

Me: And I spoke with your deli manager . . .

W: Uh-huh.

Me: And I explained to her that on days that I had too much shit to do, to please have an 8-piece fried chicken waiting for me.

W: Huh.

Me: I mean, there is NEVER any chicken at your deli counter. I see the empty spaces for it but no.fricking.chicken. So me, being a planner (cuz I’m a planner!) took it upon myself to pre-order my chicken.  Ya know, to cut out any confusion and frustration on both our parts.

W: But ma’am, you didn’t schedule a date to pick up your order.

Me: Yes I did.

W: And what day was that?

Me: On the day that I have too much shit to do.

W: Ma’am, that is not a day.

Me: It most certainly is.

Uncomfortable silence.

W: Ma’am (sigh), how is my deli manager supposed to know the exact day that you will be in to pick up a fried chicken?

Me: The day I have too much shit to do.

Another uncomfortabe silence.

Me: Ya know, maybe we could resolve this. Maybe, just maybe you could start keeping fried chicken in your deli counter. Maybe in that section that is labeled “8-piece Fried Chicken only $6.99!”

W: Ma’am, we do but . .. .

Me: No you don’t. Everytime I go in there it is empty. EMPTY! The only thing you have left is that lemon-garlic-rotissierie crap. Do you really think a two-year-old will eat that?

W: Ma’am . . . .

Me: I mean, all I’m asking for is that you actually keep fried chicken in your deli counter. Is that to much to ask for?

W: Are you currently taking any medications?

Me: I mean, how do you expect me to work all day, go to Girl Scout meetings, soccer practices, science fairs, and still have time to cook a meal?

W: Would you mind giving me your name for the restraining order?

Me: Don’t even get me started on the laundry! It’s ridiculous.

W: Or perhaps a physical description?

Me: This whole thing reeks of false advertising. And, and, and . .  .Walmart is against families having dinner together. Yes, that’s what it is!

W: Or maybe an address I can send the authorities to?

Me: Well, Mr. Manager! You and Walmart can stay the hell away from my family! Good day, Sir!



The No-Cabbage Treaty of 2012

11 Dec

The Mother and the Children,cabbage

Resolved to develop friendly relations between the Mother and the Children;

Convinced of the need finally to overcome antagonism and to develop cooperation within the household;

Have agreed upon and confirmed the following articles.

Article 1:

Her Maternal Majesty acknowledges that said Children have the right to have input into their food choices, no matter how wrong their input might be.

Article 2:

The Children acknowledge that Her Maternal Majesty, their Mother, deserves the right to have privacy, especially in the bathroom.

Article 3:

It is agreed that the Mother will not serve for consumption:  cabbage, cabbage-like food or anything resembling, by taste or smell, a cabbage. It is further agreed that the Mother will not try to disguise any of the aforementioned food items.

Article 4:

It is agreed that the Children will not stalk or harass the Mother while she is in the bathroom. The Children agree to acknowledge that the act of slipping notes under the bathroom door and/or wiggling hands and/or feet under the bathroom door as forms of harassment. (Mommy will give you a pass if she needs you to grab a roll of toilet tissue from the other bathroom. OK?)

Article 5:

The solemn ratifications of the present treaty shall be expedited between the contracting parties immediately.

It is my prediction that this treaty will be repealed before breakfast. The kids just can’t stay away from the bathroom door!