Tag Archives: mother

Open Letter to the Jerkward Who Broke Into My Home

10 Dec

This summer, my home was broken into and we were robbed. I still have a few unresolved issues about it.

Dear Jerkwad,

Thank you for breaking into my home on a Monday. I had spent all weekend cleaning the house and doing laundry. You managed to undo all of my hard work by dumping every drawer, tossing every cabinet and destroying each closet. Oh, and the broken glass throughout the house was a nice touch.

Don’t worry about the money you stole from my daughter. It probably wasn’t obvious to you that it belonged to an 8-year-old girl. I mean, you only found it in a pink wallet . . . . in a gir’ls bedroom. . . in a home that wasn’t yours. I explained to her that it was more important for you to get your crack fix than for her to get the American Girl doll she had hoped to buy. She’s all good now.

Thank you for not trashing the bedroom that my two toddlers share. They had already trashed it that same morning. By the way, I told the cops that you TOTALLY did that. It’ll probably add another 10 to 15 years onto your sentence when they catch  your sorry ass.

The thing that I hated the most about all of this was not the things that you took, but that you frightened my children. Something that you may not understand is that scaring the hell out of my children is MY JOB AND NOT YOURS!

But the thing that I really want to tell you is this: the day that you broke into our home . . . the same day you were tossing our mattresses and slinging Pillow Pets everywhere . . . . my five-year-old was EAT UP with HEAD LICE.

HA!

That’s the way we roll up in here, JERKWAD.

This home is protected by PEDICULUS CAPITAS.

This home is protected by
PEDICULUS CAPITAS.

Here’s hoping that when they catch you that you have a very sweet cell mate who will pick the nits out of your hair. Speaking of being someone’s bitch, ain’t karma a bitch?

With Warmest Regards,

The Great Mama Experiment

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Alliance, Unite!

4 Dec

spy kidIt’s 3:00 a.m. and the four children are gathered around a small table in their play area. They always meet in the dead of night to keep their alliance secret. Do not let their innocent demeanor fool you for that is what they hope for. They are always conniving . . . always scheming . . . . to thwart the evil ways of their mother.

Melissa: Let’s get started. Lauren says she has obtained important information regarding the Evil One’s plan to convert Daddy over to her side.

Lauren: Yesterday, at approximately 16:00 hours, I emerged from the school bus at Blue Bird’s house.

Samuel: Blue Bird? Who is Blue Bird?

Melissa: That’s Grandma’s code name, stupid.

Samuel: Oh, yea. Blue Bird. Sorry, I forgot.

Lauren: Anyway, Blue Bird informed me that we would be staying at her house Friday night so that the Evil One could apprehend Daddy and go on a date night.

Samuel: What’s so bad about that?

Melissa: You fool?  Don’t you see? We will be imprisoined in Blue Bird’s lair, forced to watch re-runs of The Young and the Restless.  Poor Daddy won’t have us to run interference. There’s no telling what she might do to him. Lauren, did you try any preemptive tactics?

Lauren: Of course I did, but Blue Bird is just as sly as the Evil One. I suggested that we accompany the Evil One on this so-called “date night” so that we might protect our father. Blue Bird informed me they were going to a restaurant that did not allow children.

All Children: Gasp!

Samuel: What kind of sick place doesn’t allow children?

Melissa: Poor Daddy.  The Evil One more than likely plans to make him eat all sorts of vegetables. This sick woman already controls our lives, our candy . . . . and now she wants to control our father. All may be lost.

Madeline: Fear not, brother and sisters.

All look towards the dark corner where the two-year-old was sitting. She drains her sippy cup in one quick gulp and slams the cup on the table.

Madeline: You have all forgotten our basic strategy. Drain her energy! Drain her resources! Do not give her time for basic hygiene! Do these things and she.will.fall. Stick with the plan and I promise you not only will we have control of the candy, but control of the TV as well! Now, I’m pretty sure I can hustle up a suspicious looking rash on my bottom. That’s a start but it won’t be enough. What do the rest of you have?

Lauren: Tomorrow morning I’ll spill something on my clothes just as the school bus arrives. I’ll make sure to hide all my other clean clothes under my bed first. She hates it when I do that.

Samuel: A kid at daycare owes me a favor. He’s got a pretty nice runny nose . . . . I’ll just ask him to spread the joy, if ya know what I mean. My new found runny nose along with Melissa’s ability to turn any cold into bronchitis should be enough to foil the Evil One’s plans.

Melissa: Ok, guys. That sounds good.  I don’t hear the Evil One’s snores anymore so now might be a good time to adjourn. We’ll meet back here tomorrow at 03:00 to assess the situation.  Good night and good luck.